Only if you knew~

Something that you can never take away is that she was there for you even in your darkest days,

Oh! That is love if you EVER knew,

It was loving her in her loose night suits and finding her beautiful in her high buns,

it was giving her chocolates or getting her a red rose just because you knew it made her happy,

It was looking at her when she fell asleep in your arms, it was watching her do what she loved and building her up,

Not break  her with your words,

Not kill her with your empty promises.

Oh! Only if you knew..

That love was dancing to a slow song

It was listening to her when she called you on a Thursday night sobbing, but you were too busy to listen,

It was building her self-esteem and not breaking it apart

It was not loving her naked but loving her in all her forms,

It was not telling her to change who she was and what she looks like but it was loving her the way she was,

It was going on movie and coffee dates;

It was little moments,

It was little things,

It was arguing; it was forehead kisses,

It was wishing you were together at 2 pm,

It was letting each other know that love is not words and that love never dies.

Love was when she loved you when you chose to walk away;

Love was when you were not there and she cried with her face in the pillow only because she thought she was loosing you,

Love was when she looked in your eyes and told you she loved you,

Love was when you told her you’d call her and she fell asleep waiting with the phone in her hand,

Love was when she waited for you to act upon and mean what you said,

Love was when every time your broke her she wished it did not had to be this way,

Love was when she when she believed all your lies in the blink of an eye,

Love was when she fought with everyone for you,

But you never knew love because your eyes were shut,

Now You’ll never know her love because she’ll never say it out loud ever again and you’ve been too drunk to see,

That she was there for you even in your better days and darkest dreams! 

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~He is not the sun, You are.

You made him your world, Your home. Your everything, thinking he is the one. He was the answer to all your questions. He had those deep brown eyes and the perfect smile. The one that gave you butterflies and the look that could kill. You thought he was the light in your dark world. Honey, you loved him so much that you forgot what it was like to love yourself. You lost your shine. You forgot what it felt like to dance in the shower because you sat there wondering where you went wrong.

Let me tell you one thing today; you think just because he made you laugh till your stomach dropped he is your happiness, just because he talked to you nicely he is the reason behind your smile, and he is your savior. I know no matter what you want him to reach to you and pull you out of your sadness but he cannot. He himself is just a sad boy looking for answers, and trust me when i say this; YOU ARE NOT HIS ANSWER. It isn’t anybody. 

You need to learn that people cannot fix you. They are not going to teach you how to wake up. They are not going to tell you how to feel life to your gut and save the moments or the little things that you love doing. They’ll never tell you how to demand your own happiness and how to be kind to yourself and your body. When time comes they’ll bring you down to your knees for you to bleed on your own, fighting your own battles.

So, baby girl it is only you who can stop letting that happen. It is you who has to figure it out all by yourself. YOU ARE YOUR ANSWERS. You are your own shine. 

You don’t need that tall guy who everyone wants in your class to tell you you’re beautiful and then feel a certain way about yourself. You don’t need that guy with those deep brown eyes to keep you safe and make you feel loved. You don’t need that guy with the perfect body to tell you you’re fat or out of shape and make you feel insecure about your body when your curves make you look the sexiest.

Fall in love with all your flaws and you’ll be your own definition of beautiful. Shine on your own and don’t let him dull it in anyway, because there is one thing that you need to know and understand;

He is not the Sun, You are.

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Black Lace Dress~

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Tonight i am wearing a black lace dress

Just for the sake of wearing one

Under it is nothing but my skin

Miles and miles of skin

You see this skin smooth, fair and you think it is beautiful

but what you don’t see is everything that it hides

Insecurity, loss, fear, scars, love, lust, anxiety, tears, hatred. Everything.

I stand under the shower with nothing but this soft skin

Pick up a soap and start rubbing it against my skin as hard as i can

Just to wash it all away but it just never comes off

I spend hours wondering how i could hide the prints their words left on my body

How i could finish the path their fingers carved on my body,

How i could erase the way they looked from my mind

I think and i think but i find no way

Until i realize there is nothing that you ever forget, you only get used to the idea of letting it be

You put it all in a deep corner of your heart and close that door,

You learn to be Okay, You learn and you grow as time goes by;

But you never FORGET.

Mess~

3:00 am and She sits on the floor in a corner of her room with her arms wrapped around her knees sobbing, tears rolling down her cheeks and in that moment she knew how desperately she wanted someone to know how she felt how she was falling apart how desperately she needed an arm around her and a voice to tell her that ” Dont worry. Its gona be okay. Its just a storm and storms dont last forever, there’s gonna be light one day” But that voice never came.

She slowly unwraps her arms opens her wrists and there it is – a ring and a blade. There were days she chose that ring over anything she still could but this time she chose the blade she looked at her hand empty as ever and saw the lining of the ring on her finger. AND BAM! FLASHBACKS… She felt that pinching pain in her heart and finally she brought that blade close to her wrist but something stopped her. No it wasnt death. It wasnt pain. It was a PROMISE. One that she made a long time ago. She remembered that look on his face when she once told him about the pills and the scars she had. How even the slightest thing could make him worry about her and the way she loved to see someone care for her that way after a long time. She stopped because she knew she was a keeper. Someone who kept her promises no matter what. So she did what she always had. She put back the blade on the floor and picked up the ring moved it around her hand. She put that on her finger for the one last time and stood up.

She sees a reflection of herself in the mirror. The mascara all out of her eyes and tears drippin down her cheeks and she looked at herself in the mirror. She wasnt this before. She was a happy and a satisfied person. what had she turned into? she didnt understand. The people who said that they would be here Didnt even know a thing. They never would because they ran away the moment they saw her real face. The moment she let em in they’d run away because they knew the couldnt handle a mess like her. Beautiful yet chaotic. These were all her insecurities that could eat her up alive but on her way she did find people who helped her overcome those she was a completely different person back then. You know whats the best part? she actually started falling in love with herself once again but it just took hours to shatter. She looked at herself, Her body, a fingerprint on every part from the forehead to her cheeks to the lips to the ear to the neck to the shoulder all the way to the thighs. She remembered the giggles. She hated the way all of  it was a memory now. If only she knew what she had to give away to have it all back to make it all okay again. She had done everything she could. When they had nothing to offer but the reflections of the demons in their eyes she stood by their side and tried. Kept trying until there was nothing left to say and nothing but the pieces remained.

“Its all gonna be okay” she finally said in a low voice to herself with trembling lips. She washed her face again and walked outside smiling like she always did. She wore that *HAPPY FACE* mask that fooled everyone around her who thought that she is happiest girl they know. If only they knew how depression killed her inside, how chaotic her mind was and how lonely she felt at times i bet they would distance themselves from her thinking she is insane. Little do they know She has lost it all. Little do they know the things she could do to make it all right and bring it all back. Its in the darkness that you’d maybe know her the way she buries her head in the pillow so no one hears her crying and the way she’d cry herself to sleep. If only there was a shoulder there instead of a pillow. How different things could have been.

All these thoughts remain to herself and she walks around with a smile. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL SUICIDE MY FRIEND. A MESS INSIDE OUT. ONE THAT LONGS FOR A LOVE THAT COULD PICK IT ALL UP AND PUT IT BACK TO PIECES. BUT THE WORLD WONT KNOW. THEY NEVER WILL.